So a friend that I met on the scary internets, a Mr. Andrew Norcross, has helped me set up my “big boy blog” as he likes to call it. So, Not So Literal will be held at a self-hosted site now. How about that? Here’s the URL.
Andrew is an excellent web designer, builder, coder, Wizard of Oz and Awesomeness. He basically knows a lot about everything you’d ever want to know and is usually more than helpful with any requests I have. I cannot recommend him highly enough if you need any web work done.
Anyways, all of my content from this blog and my previous blog have been moved over, so I’ll see you at notsoliteral.com and stay tuned for some titillating announcements for 2010!
I’m home in Massachusetts now staying at my mom’s apartment in Worcester. The flights home were pretty horrible, but I’m glad I didn’t have to spend the night in the airport or spend dough on a hotel.
I got home at 2AM and was greeted by my grandmother who recently had a heart attack. She lives downstairs from my mother. Her and my grandfather own the building and it’s where I grew up. Some pretty unsavory people have come into and out of my life with this apartment building being the backdrop for most of my pre-adult and some of my adult memories.
I guess I sort of left this place in a hurry when I went to college, then got a job in Boston and then eventually got hired at Brazen Careerist. I never meant to be an escapist, but my desires and aspirations seem to lead me away from here, so I don’t try to fight it too much.
What I do try to fight is the tendency to distance myself from family and friends. When I get wrapped up in my busy work life, I forget to call, I don’t come home much and I can be generally neglectful to everyone including myself. It’s funny, I start working out again and suddenly the other things that I should be doing start happening again. The law of attraction is pretty useful at times.
So when I saw my grandmother, I was really happy. I got a little choked up but didn’t want to cry my first time seeing her in 3 months. I told my sister on the ride home from the airport that when my mom called me the morning my grandmother had her heart attack, my entire life flashed before my eyes. I was convinced she was going to die. I was absolutely certain she wasn’t going to make it through surgery. I actually went into work and tried to stay busy until I got an update from my mother or sister saying what the results of her stint procedure were.
She made it out of surgery and I was relieved. I was also cursing myself for becoming distant and resentful of my familial craziness put any distance between my beloved grandparents and myself. Right before her surgery, I got my gramma on the phone because my mom told me to. She sounded bad and weak and I just wanted to tell her I loved her no matter what while I still had the chance. She said she loved me too and that she was going to be fine because she always survives these kinds of things. Then said she was going to let me go because the doctors were coming in. As she hung up the phone I was in the middle of saying I love you one more time and I crumbled into heavy sobs alone in my apartment. I was convinced that would be the last time I ever talked to my grandmother again.
I got a text from my sister later that afternoon saying my grandmother did well in surgery and that she was probably going to be okay. I took a deep breath and sent a ‘thank you’ above to whomever or whatever was listening.
Later that day when I got out of some meetings I talked to my mom and was asking lots of questions about what happened and what was going to happen moving forward. I was anxious and my mom was being vague. I started to get upset because I wanted to be mentally prepared (as much as I could be) for what was next. She just kept telling me “I know you feel bad for not being here. I know you feel bad for leaving home. Don’t. Just, don’t”
She was right. I’ve never totally coped with my own desires to move on and do big things wherever I please and the ever-present feeling that I’m abandoning the people who raised me, my mom and grandparents.
I’m home for two weeks in the belly of the beast where all the madness and incredible loved I’ve shared with my family has transpired over a really interesting 25 years. I got to sit up with my grandmother who’s doing SO much better now healthwise, I got to go out food shopping with my grandfather (who’s one of the smartest and funniest people who never graduated high school that I ever met) all morning I am so grateful for that. My family is vast, rough around the edges, unrefined and bat shit crazy, which explains why I am too… and I love it.
I hope you are all enjoying your family and friends this holiday. We all have reasons to be grateful whether it’s from big gains or big losses. Don’t let the imperfections of the diamonds in your life take away from the fact that they are indeed diamonds and are some of the greatest gifts we could ever ask for.
Thank you all for reading and I wish everyone nothing but the best!
…But it does help me avoid an addiction to anti-anxiety medication.
WARNING: This is a profanity laced rant as I sit delayed in an airport en route to Boston from Madison.
The same cannot be said for some of these jackasses who act like they’re VIP in this airport. I can’t deal with people who try to look well put together but have no control over their emotions or egos. When you’re stuck in the same situation as everyone else; you’re fucked, the staff is fucked and the weather doesn’t appear to be un-fucking itself any time soon. So, is getting upset of any value to you or anyone else?
Shit, you may get a seat upgrade, some frequent flyer miles or a mini-bottle of vodka to wash down your anti-psychotics, but yr. not getting my karmic sympathies. I don’t care what you do for a living, I don’t care how much money you make and I certainly don’t care if you “can’t believe this.”
On a lighter note, Google is providing free wireless to the Madison airport. Say goodness for that. See you fools on the East Coast soon! 😀
My friend Scott Erb recently compiled a video of his shots from The Red Room project from his home in Worcester, Massachusetts. Basically he wanted to see how many different ways he could possibly arrange a small red room with minimal props and bring out a unique look and atmosphere with each subject. He brought me in to take some shots earlier this year and I was simply flattered at how good they came out. I’m so un-photogenic and he really brought out the best in me.
I won’t go into some of the other beautiful folks he photographed as well. You should just see them for yourself and reach out to Scott and let him know how awesome he is.
I guess I know enough about myself to know where I find the most peace of mind, the most productivity and the most curiosity and interest in life on a day to day basis. I’ve lived in quite a few different places within Massachusetts and beyond and I have to say that the common denominators of happy day to day living were associated with what I like to call village living.
Moving from apartment to apartment thoughout Boston, I seemed to always gravitate to places that were within a few blocks of the MBTA. I went to school downtown and some of the jobs I had were downtown as well. Doing the early morning routine has never been easy for me, but I’ve also realized that in order to squeeze the most juice out of every single day, I needed to take a few hours here and there. So, getting up early to workout or get writing done was the best way for me to gain momentum in a given direction.
The MBTA isn’t a glorious public transport system by any means, but you can get pretty much anywhere within the city limits by train and bus in about an hour and a half. This sounds like a hassle to people who prefer driving, but part of my city living was being productive while on train rides. Whether it was reading a book or two a week on my commute or writing or researching jobs or grad schools, I was always able to zone out and get stuff done to and from work.
When I got my first real, full time, salaried job in Newton, I made my initial move out of the city to a semi-suburb. Newton is pretty cool and has a decent amount to do, but I opted to buy a car.
The following years, I progressively moved away from my public transportation lifestyle. I moved home to Worcester twice because of a failed relocation to Chicago and some financial difficulty. I found myself living 40 miles from work and commuting up to 4 hours a day in my car for a job that wasn’t much better paying than any of the ones I had in the city. I gravitated towards this because I thought I was making positive career choices.
In hindsight, I wouldn’t have wound up in the job I love now if I hadn’t made these steps, but I’m also realizing that to play to my natural tendency to walk places and take public transportation, that I’ll want to live in a place where my work and home are close enough for me to not have to travel and distance by car between them.
People I look up to who have things that I want for myself like a house, a dog and a back yard have told me time and time again that the more I grow up, the less that living in a city will appeal to me, especially when I decide to get married and have a family. I still wonder if I can have the things I want in life and still live my village lifestyle.
What do you value location and lifestyle wise? What kind of sacrifices have you made to have one over the other? How do you see yourself having a balance of both?